Russian jokes

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Russian jokes (Russian: ????????? , translit.Ã, anecdoty , lit.Ã, 'anecdotes'), the most popular form of Russian humor, is a short fictitious story or dialogue with a punch line.

The culture of Russian jokes includes a series of categories with fixed and very familiar settings and characters. The staggering effect was achieved by the endless plots of plots. Russian jokes treat topics found everywhere in the world, including sex, politics, husband-wife relationships, or mother-in-law. This article discusses the subject of Russian jokes specific to Russian or Soviet culture. The main subcategory is a Russian political joke, discussed in a separate article.

Each category has many untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic wordplay, vocabulary, and Russian vocabulary from foul language. Below, (L) marks a joke that has a critical value of critically depending on the intrinsic features of the Russian language.

Video Russian jokes

Archetype

Named characters

Stierlitz

Stierlitz is a Soviet fiction intelligence officer, described by Vyacheslav Tikhonov in the popular Soviet TV series Seventeen Spring Moments . In jokes, Stierlitz interacts with various characters, the most prominent of his arch-rivals. Typically two-line serious style spoofing of the original sound-overs TV, this plot is solved in strange play on words or parodies of the train of thought and narrow passes of the "original" Stierlitz.

• MÃÆ'¼ller walks through the forest when he sees two eyes staring at him in the dark: "Must be an owl," thought MÃÆ'¼ller./"Who is the owl? You're your own owl!" Stierlitz thought.
• Stierlitz opened the door, and the lights continued. Stierlitz closed the door, and the lights went out. Stierlitz opened the door again; lights back on. Stierlitz closed the door; the lights went out again. Stierlitz concluded, "It's a fridge".
• Stierlitz approached Berlin, which was shrouded in smoke from a broad fire: "Must have forgotten to turn off my iron", Stierlitz thought with a slight annoyance.
• Stierlitz wakes up in a jail cell. "What identity should I use?" she wondered. "Let's see.If someone in black uniform comes in, I have to be in Germany so I'll say I'm StandmannfÃÆ'¼hrer Stierlitz.If they wear green uniforms, I'm in the Soviet Union so I'm gonna admit I'm Colonel Isayev ". The door opened and someone with a gray uniform came up saying, "You really have to reduce vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!"

Poruchik Rzhevsky

Poruchik (First Lieutenant) Dmitry Rzhevsky is a cavalry officer (Hussar), a straightforward, unsophisticated, and very rugged military type whose rank and position make him an upper class society. In the aristocratic setting of the high-societal societal spheres, and the 19th-century social sophistication with the widespread use of the French language, Rzhevsky, famous for his quick but usually unintelligent comments, continues to pierce his manners with his rudeness. In jokes, he is often seen interacting with the character of War and Peace novel by Leo Tolstoy. The name was borrowed from characters from the popular comedy of the 1960s, Hussar Ballad (Russian: Ã, Â ?? ?????????????;), which contained little common with folklore heroes. The 1967 film showcase of War and Peace contributed to the development of Rzhevsky's jokes. Some researchers have pointed out that many of these jokes are a 19th-century version of Russian army jokes, retold as a series of new jokes about Rzhevsky.

Rzhevsky (and supposedly all Hussars) has a relaxed and indifferent attitude towards love and sex:

• Poruchik Rzhevsky put down his boots and will take the demoiselle leave he had met the night before: "Senator Poruchik", he intone teasingly, "did you forget about money?" Rzhevsky turned to him and said proudly: "Hussar never took the money!" (The last expression of Gusary deneg ne berut! has become the slogan of Russia.)

He also gave his best advice to other Russian men about the matter of love. Poruchik believes that the easiest approach is the most effective:

• Kniaz Andrei Bolkonski asked Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how can you be so good with women? What's your secret?"/"This is pretty simplement , mon Prince , just simplement I just came and said: 'Madam, do you want to make love?' "/" But Poruchik, you'll be slapped in the face for that! "/" Oui , some of them slapped, but most of them made love. "

A series of jokes in which Rzhevsky wants to impress a high society meeting with a joke, but disrupt:

• Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his batman: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Have a new story to say there?"/"Of course, sir, what about this poem: 'Adam has Eve... right on the night... from their last day in Eden...'" "/" That's great! "/Then, in the ball:" Monsieurs , monsieurs ! My Stepan taught me a funny joke chanson ": 'Adam boasted Eve at dawn...' Sorry, not like that... 'Adam and Eve made love all night...' Er... Hell, basically they make love , but that is the beautiful absolutement in the verse! "

A series of jokes are based on vulgar paradox in high-society settings:

• Natasha Rostova attends her first formal ball with Pierre Bezukhov: "Pierre, is not that fat on your neck?"/"My goodness, how can I miss a very bad handicap in my costume, I'm totally devastated!" [he backs down in shame]/Then, he dances with Kniaz Bolkonsky: "Andrew, is there no sauce place in your cloak?" [he fainted]/Finally, he danced with Rzhevsky: "Poruchik, your shoes are all covered in mud!"/"It's not mud, damn.don't worry, , it will fall out so dry."

While the successful narrative of some Russian jokes relies heavily on the use of sexual vulgarity ("Russian Mats"), Rzhevsky, with all his rudeness, does not use heavy metals in the traditional version of his story. One of his favorite words is "ass" (which is considered a bit mild in Russian rhetoric), and there is a series of jokes in which Rzhevsky answers "the butt" to some innocent questions (it's typical of Rzhevsky to grumble un-romantic comments in most romantic situations) :

• Poruchik Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova rode together in the countryside. "Poruchik, beautiful meadows! Guess what I saw there?"/"Ass, mynoisois ?"/"Ouch, Poruchik! I see chamomile!" (Chamomiles is a flower of Russian cliches)/"Really romantic, mademoiselle ! Donkey in the middle of chamomiles!..."

The essence of Rzhevsky's strangeness is captured in the following meta-jokes:

• Rzhevsky tells his latest adventure to his Hussar friends. "... So I ride this dark wood and suddenly see a wide, white..."/Hussars, together: "... ass!" "Of course not! A whole group of chamomiles! And right in the middle there is a beautiful white color..."/Hussars, encore: "... ass!"/"Really vulgar to you! Big house! So I opened the door and guess what I saw?"/Hussars, encore: "Donkey!"/Poruchik, really surprised: "How do you guess? Have I ever told this story before?"

This theme culminates in the following joke, sometimes called "the main Hussar joke":

• Countess Maria Bolkonskaya celebrates his 50th birthday, all the local Hussar regiments are invited, and the Countess boasts of the prize he received: "Obolensky Cornet offers 50 sets of beautiful Chinese candles I love them so much that I soon put them into the seven 7-prong candlesticks you see on the table.Lucky luck like that! Unfortunately there is one candle left, and I do not know where it stuck... "/The whole Hussar regiment took a deep breath. , but Colonel Hussar barked: "Hussars !!! Silence !!!"
Rabinovich

Rabinovich was a typical Russian Jew. He was a cunning, cynical, sometimes bitter, skeptical of the Soviet government, and often too clever for his own good. He is sometimes described as otkaznik ("refusenik"): someone who refuses permission to emigrate to Israel.

• Rabinovich fills out a job application form. The official was skeptical: "You state that you have no relatives abroad, but you have a brother in Israel."/"Yes, but he is not abroad, me is abroad!"
• Seeing the arrogant and extravagant burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shook his head: "It is futile! With this much money, I can bury the entire Politburo!"
• Rabinovich called the Pamyat headquarters, speaking with a distinct accent: "Tell me, is it true that the Jews sell Russia?"/"Yes, of course it's true, Kike-schnabel !"/"Oh good! Can you tell me where I need to go to get my share?"

The following example illustrates Vladimir Putin's statement of "Comrade Wolves", which illustrates the policy of the United States, that many non-Russians find the faintest.

• Rabinovich walked across the forest with a sheep, both of them stumbling into the pit. A few minutes later, the wolf also fell into the hole. The sheep became nervous and started bleating. "What's wrong with all baaahh, baaahh ?" Rabinovich asked. "Comrade Wolf knows who to eat."

Vovochka

Vovochka is Russian equivalent to "Little Johnny". She interacts with her school teacher, Maria Ivanovna (shortened to "Marivanna", the name of a stereotypical woman). "Vovochka" is a small form of "Vova", which in turn is a shortened version of "Vladimir", creating the effect of "little boy". His fellow students also have the same little name. The name "little boy" is used in contrast to the tacky, mature, and obscene Vovochka statement.

• In the biology class, the teacher drew a cucumber on the board: "Children, can someone tell me what this is?"/Vovochka raised his hand: "This dick, Marivanna!" The teacher cries and runs out./Soon, the principal rushed in: "Well, what are you doing now? Which of you is making Maria Ivanovna crying and who pulls the dick on the board?"
• The teacher asks the class to produce a word beginning with the letter "A": Vovochka gladly raises his hand and says "Ass!"/The teacher, shocked, replied, "Because of shame! There is no such word!" "That's weird," Vovochka said thoughtfully, "there's a butt, but it's not!"

Vasily Ivanovich

Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev (Russia: ???????????????????), a hero of the Red Army of the Russian Civil War, in the rank of Division Commander, featured in the 1934 biopic of very popular biography. The most common topics were the war with the monarchical White Army, the vain attempts of Chapayev to enroll in the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of Chapayev's death (officially, he was shot dead by white men while attempting to flee across the Ural River after losing in battle).

Chapayev is usually accompanied by his auxiliary-de-camp Petka (??????, "Peter"), and Anka the Machine-Shooter (???? - ??????? ???), and the political commander of Furmanov, all based on real people. (Being famous in popular Russian culture, Chapayev, Petka, and Anka are featured in a series of Russian adventure games released in the late 1990s and 2000s.)

• "I failed my history test, Petka They asked me who Caesar was, and I said it was a stallion from our seventh cavalry squadron."/"This is all my fault, Vasily Ivanovich! When you leave, I move it to the 6th!"
• Chapayev, Petka and Anka, hiding from white skin, crawling on high plastoon in a field: first Anka, then Petka, and Chapayev is the last./Petka says to Anka, "Anka, you lie about your proletarian offspring! Your mother must be a ballerina - your feet are so good!"/Chapayev replied, "And your father, Petka, must be a hijacker - the path you leave behind you is so deep!"
• On the anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gave a political lecture to the rank and file soldiers: "... And now we are on our glorious path to the shining horizon of Communism!"/"How was the result?", Chapayev asked Petka afterwards. "Fun!... but it's not clear What is the horizon?"/"Look at Petka, it's a line you might see deep in the pasture when the weather is nice, and it's hard - no matter how long you ride it, you'll never reach it.You'll just wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters has starred in this type of joke as well, including Rabinovich.)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson

A number of jokes involved figures from the famous short story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle about private detective Sherlock Holmes and his friend, Doctor Watson. Jokes appeared and became popular soon after The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson film series was broadcast on Soviet TV in the late 1970s until the mid-1980s. In all of these films, his characters are played brilliantly by the same actors - Vasily Livanov (like Sherlock Holmes) and Vitaly Solomin (as Watson). Excerpts from these films are usually included in jokes (Ã, Â «????????????????????????? Narrator of such jokes usually tries to imitate the unique hoarseness of Vasily Livanov.The standard plot of this joke is a brief dialogue where Watson naively wants to know something, and Holmes finds a "logical" explanation for the phenomenon in question.Sometimes the jokes also include other characters - Mrs. Hudson, the homeowner from Holmes's residence in Baker Street, or Sir Henry and his butler Barrymore of The Hound of the Baskervilles, or the detective enemy of Professor Moriarty.

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson make a camping trip. They set up their tents under the stars and went to bed. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."/"I see millions and millions of stars."/"And what do you conclude from that?" "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even some of them have planets, chances are there are some Earth-like planets out there, and if there are some Earth-like planets out there, maybe there's life too."/"Watson, you idiot, that means someone steals our tent! "

The previous joke won second place in the World's funest joke contest.

FantÃÆ'Â'mas

Some of the old jokes involve FantÃÆ'Â'mas, a fictitious criminal and undercover expert from the famous French detective series FantÃÆ'Â'mas , which was once popular in the Soviet Union. His main enemy was Inspector Juve, accused of arresting him. Fantasia 'talent for disguise is usually the focus of a joke, allowing for jokes that display all kinds of other characters:

• From the days when Prime Minister Golda Meir led Israel: FantÃÆ'Â'mas slipped into Mao Zedong's private room because the second room was on his deathbed, and respectfully removed his mask./Mao muses: "Well, Comrade Petka, destiny does have a way to spread friends around the world, is not it?"/"Ah, if you only know, Vasily Ivanovich, what Anka we do in Israel!"

New Russians

The New Russians (Russians: ??????????, Novye Russkie , the nouveau-riche ), the arrogant, ignorant, - post-perestroika and gangsters educators, was a very common character category in Russian jokes in the 1990s. The common theme is the interaction of a New Russian in his classic black Mercedes S600 classic sparkling, arguing with an ordinary Soviet-era Soviet Russia after their vehicle collided. New Russians often become cruel criminals or at least talk to criminal argotials, with a number of distinctive neologisms (or common words with meanings) among the New Russians. On the one hand, this anecdote is a continuation of the Soviet-era series on Georgia, which is then described as a very rich man. The New Russian physician's physical stereotypes are often overweight people with short haircuts, wearing thick gold chains and red jackets, with their fingers in the horns of movement, going around the "Merc 600" and showing off their wealth. Jokes about expensive foreign sports cars can be compared to German Manta jokes.

• A New Russian son complains to his father: "Daddy, all my schoolmates are on a bus, and I look like a scapegoat in this Merc 600." "Do not worry, son, I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"
• A New Russian boasted to his colleague: "Look at my new tie, I bought it for $ 500 at the store there."/"You were tricked.You could have paid twice more for exactly the same across the street!"
• A New Russian and an old man lying next to each other in the emergency room: "How did you get here, old man?"/"I have an old Zaporozhets car, and I installed a Messerschmitt war jet engine in it.While driving on the highway I saw Ferrari up ahead and tried to overtake it.my speed was too high, I lost control, and crashed tree... And how did you get here? "/" I was riding my bike when I saw a Zaporozhets overtake me.I think my car might have been broken again, and it has stopped. So I opened the door and stepped out... "
• Two new Russian friends meet and one asks the other how it is: "I'm fine, but did you hear about Sergei? He was riding his new Mercedes through Petersburg and running to the horse." "Oh my God, what happened?" "The car was crushed, but the horse is fine, it's made of bronze."

Animal

The jokes arranged in the animal kingdom also feature characters, depicting their origins in old Slavic tales, where animals are depicted as religious beings with stereotypical behavior, such as the cruel Wolves; Crafty Fox; an arrogant and cowardly rabbit; Strong bear, simple minded; Multi-dimensional Hedgehog; and Lion, the king of the animal kingdom. In Russian all things, alive and dead, have (grammatically) gender - masculine, feminine, or neutral. The reader should assume that Wolves, Bears, Rabbits, Lions, and Hedgehogs are male, whereas Foxes (Vixen) are female:

• The Bear, Wolves, and Vixen are playing cards. Wolves warn, dragging: "Do not cheat! If anyone cheats, his red hairy face will hurt!"
• "If something spills from somewhere, then that means something is poured somewhere else," said the drunken Hedgehog as the philosopher quarreled over the broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a versatile Russian clichà ©.)

The animals are in a Russian joke and are very conscious of the politics in the human realm:

• A group of animals including Chickens are in prison and bragging about why they were sent there. The Chicken does not take part in this. Someone asked: "And what are you for?"/"I'm not talking to you, criminals, I'm a political prisoner!"/"How can?"/"I pecked a Young Pioneer on the butt!"

An animal joke is often a fable, the funny part is (or ends up) a kind of proverb.

• The Hare ran like crazy through the woods and met the Wolves. The wolf asks: "What is it? Why in such a hurry?"/"The camels there were caught and shod!" Wolves say: "But you are not a camel!"/"Hey, after you get caught and shoddy, just try and prove to them that you're not a camel!" This joke is suggested to be the origin of the popular Russian proverb "try to prove that you are not a camel" in the sense of "trying to prove something to someone who does not want to listen" is used in connection with a violation of the presumption of innocence by Russian law enforcement agencies , or when one has to fight the bureaucracy to get an official letter proving that someone has lost a leg or even life. The Hare and the joke itself are used to describe the hassles of the Soviet lishenets in the 1929 edition of the Chudak satirical magazine. Mikhail Melnichenko, in an article on Soviet political gags citing a private collection of 1926, which makes jokes in a more grotesque form, in which Hare is afraid of rumors that all camels are taken hostage by Cheka and shot (a reference to Red Terror). A similar parable is told by a Persian poet of the 13th century and Sufi Jalal ad-Din Rumi, in which one is afraid to be taken as a donkey and skinned.

Goldfish

In addition to mammals, the somewhat common non-human is the "Golden Fish", which asks the catcher to free him in exchange for three wishes. This first Russian example appears in Alexander Pushkin's The Tale of Fisherman and the Fish. In jokes, Fishermen can be replaced by national or ethnic representatives, and the third desire usually makes joke jokes.

• An American, a French, and a Russian alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch Goldfish, who promise to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for his own freedom:
  The American: "A million dollars and go back home!" The Frenchman: "Three beautiful women and coming home!" The Russian: "Cih, and we get along well, three vodka chests and two friends back!"
  • Side Note: This joke is a game of the fact that in Russia it is believed that three are the optimal amount of people to drink. This in turn went back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2.87 rubles of Soviet, 3 rubles into a comfortable price for three people to buy the bottle and have 13 kopecks left for a snack. The classic for the latter is a soft rectangular cheese package processed "Druzhba" (Friendship), at the right price. Therefore, the natural company is 3, each contributing 1 ruble. This procedure is dubbed "to organize three (people)" (Russian: ??????????????? ; soobrazit 'na troikh , literal translation: "have found three"). Most Soviet folklore is based on this interpretation of "number 3 miracle".

A similar type of joke involves Genie granting requests, the main difference being that in the case of Goldfish, the Fisherman suffers from his own ignorance or greed, while Jin is known to cleverly twist the interpretation of the desire to thwart the scholarship recipients.

• A man found an old bottle, picked it up and opened it. Jin came out of the bottle and said, "Thank you so much for letting me out! I feel I have to do something for you too Do you want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union?" (Hero of the Soviet Union is the highest Soviet award). The man said: "Yes, of course!" The next thing he knows, he finds himself on the battlefield with five grenades, alone against five German panzers.

Drunkards

• A drunkard takes a leak by a lamppost on the street. A policeman tried to argue with him: "Can not you see the toilet just 25 feet away?" The drinker replied: "Do you think I have a fire hose in my pants?"
• Drunk # 1 slowly walks, braces herself on the fence and stumbles. He found Drunk # 2, lying in the mud across the street. "It's a shame! Lie down like a pig! I'm embarrassed for you."/"You keep going, demagog! We'll see what you'll do when you run out of the fence too!"
• The joke above has a partner, mocking stereotyped questions - ?? ???? ????????? do you respect me? - Often meet when drunken people become talkative and start discussing issues that are usually kept secret. So, Drunk # 1 is slowly walking, bracing herself in the fence and stumbling. She came in Drunk # 2, which was lying across the street no longer able to walk. "Hey, man, do you have any respect for me?", "Geez.... I have an appointment for you !!!" (initially: ????????????, I'm proud of you).

Police

This often revolves around the assumption that most Russian and Soviet militants (police, now called politzia) accept bribes. Also, they are not considered very smart.

• Three prizes were awarded for success in the Socialist competition of the Traffic Inspection Department # 18. The third prize was Complete Works from Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 rubles and a ticket to Sochi... The first prize is a portable stop sign. (There are several versions with this phrase about the stop sign, which is a quirk of the Soviets.The portable dismissal marks allow militioner to put it in unexpected or hard to see places on the road, to smoothing everyone who passes it, and to adjusting most of the penalty for himself One of the jokes: The police asked his boss for a raise and got a reply, "I can not give you a raise, but I can give you a stop sign.")
• Someone on the bus told a joke: "Do you know why the police are always in pairs?"/"No, why?"/"It's a specialty: who knows how to read, others know how to write."/A hand immediately caught him on the shoulder - a cop standing right behind him!/"Your paper!" he barked. The poor man handed him his official letters./Police open them, read, and nod to his partner: "Write him a quote to slander Soviet Militsiya, Vasya". (This joke version involves a third policeman whose primary job is to oversee these two very learned intellectuals.)

Ethnic stereotypes

The Russian Empire has been multi-ethnic for centuries, and this situation continues throughout the Soviet period, and continues. Throughout history, some ethnic stereotypes have developed, often similar to those views by other ethnicities (usually except for questionable ethnicity, but not always).

Chukchi

Chukchi, a native of Chukotka, the most remote northeastern corner of Russia, is a general minority targeted for generic ethnic gags in Russia. In jokes, they are described as generally primitive, uncivilized, and simple-minded people, but smart in a naive way. The tendency to continue to say odnako (equivalent to "however", depending on the context) is the subject of Chukcha joke. Often a straight man from Chukcha in a joke is a Russian geologist.

• "Chukcha, why would you buy a refrigerator, if it's cold on the tundra?"/"Why, -50 ° Celsius outside yaranga , is -10 Â ° inside, is -5 Â ° in the fridge - warm place, odnako !"
• Chukcha comes to the store and asks: "Do you have a color TV?"/"Yes, right."/"Give me the green one."
• A Chukcha applies to membership in the Union of Soviet Writers. He was asked what literature he knew. "Have you read Pushkin?"/"No."/"Have you read Dostoevsky?"/"No."/"Can you read at all?"/The Chukcha, offended, replied, "Chukcha is not a reader, author of Chukcha!" (The last sentence has become a popular cliche in Russian culture, hinting of a happy or militant folly.)

Chukchi do not miss their chance to reply:

• A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bear. They tracked one end. Seeing the bear, Chukcha shouted, "Run!" and start running away. Russian protesters quietly raised their weapons and shot the bear. "Russian hunters, bad hunters!" Chukcha exclaimed. "Ten kilometers to yaranga , you haul this bear yourself!"

Chukchi, as they are innocent, often see the truth of the situation inside:

• A Chukcha who came home from Moscow was greeted with great joy and interest from his friends: "What is socialism like?"/"Oh," Chukcha began in awe, "There, everything for human progress... I even saw the man himself!" (a reference to the Communist slogan ??????????????! , "Everything for human improvement").

Ukraine

Ukraine is described as rude, stingy, and very fond of saly salo (lard returns); Their accents, imitated in jokes, are considered funny.

• A Ukrainian tourist was questioned at international customs: "Do you have any weapons or drugs?"/"Is that a drug?"/"They make you tall."/"Yes, salo ."/"But salo is not a drug."/"When I eat salo , I get tall!"
• A Ukrainian is asked: "Can you eat a kilo of apples?"/"Yes, I can." "Can you eat two pounds of apples?"/"I can." "And five pounds?"/"I can."/"Can you eat 100 pounds?!"/"What I can not eat, I'll bite!"
• A Ukrainian and African student lives together in a room. Africans are poor and hungry, but the Ukrainians have received parcels of food from parents. So he took a can of borscht, a large loaf of bread with butter, a large piece of salo, an onion, a bottle of gorilka (vodka) and started eating. The Africans looked at her with jealousy. The Ukrainian asks: "Are you hungry?" "Yes, very hungry!"/"Sorry, I do not have a banana."

Ukraine is considered to hold a grudge against Russia (ridiculed as Moskali by Ukraine):

• The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A shepherd of Hutsul, who stood on a hill, shouted to another shepherd on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!"/"Yes!"/"The moskali has flown into space!"/"All of them?"/"No, just one." "So why are you bothering me then?" (Oral versions may end up in the phrase "all of them", words with hopeful tones).

Georgia

Georgians are almost always described as fools, greedy, hot-blooded, or sex addicts, and in some cases, all four at the same time. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including grammatical errors that are considered typical of Georgians, and sometimes Georgian words are considered funny to be imitated in Russian and often become a joke in itself.

In some jokes, the Georgians are described as rich, because in Soviet times, they are also considered very profitable from the black market businesses. There is a funny expression that comes from customs in police reports about referring to them as "Caucasian people" (Russian: ?????????????? ??????????? ). Since the Russian word for "person" in the formal sense, (Russian: ???? ), is the same as the word for "face", it allows the play of words about " face of Caucasian nationality ". In Russia alone, most people see "Caucasian people" mostly in markets that sell fruit and flowers. In recent years, many old jokes about rich Georgian people are being rearranged in terms of "New Russians".

• A plane takes off from Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger bombed the pilot's cabin, waved an AK-47 rifle and demanded that the flight be transferred to Israel. The pilot shrugged his approval, but suddenly the head of the hijacker fell from his shoulder, and a Georgian emerged from behind with a bloody dagger, and a big suitcase: "Lisss'n here genes : No Israel- Misrael.Fast Moscow unceasingly - my roses wilted! "
• At the zoo, two girls are discussing gorillas with big dicks: "That's what a real man should have!" A cynical Georgia passer commented: "You're wrong, it's not a man, it's a man.This is what a real man must have!", And produces a thick wallet.
Eston and Finland

The people of Estonia and Finland are described as having no sense of humor and are stubborn, reserved, and especially slow. Estonian accents, especially song songs and lack of gender in grammar, are part of humor. The general usage of long vowels and consonants in both speech and orthography (eg words like Tallinn, Saaremaa) also causes stereotypes to be slow in speaking, thinking, and acting. In everyday life, a person may be mockingly called "hot-headed Estonian" (or in the same spirit, a "grumpy Finnish youth," a phrase popularized by the 1995 Russian comedy film National Bizarre Oddity ) to emphasize the delay or lack of temperament. Indeed, the Estonians played a similar role in Soviet humor with the Finns in Scandinavian jokes.

Finnish political scientist Ilmari Susiluoto, also author of three books on Russian humor, wrote that Finland and Russia understand each other's humor. "Covered in Russian anecdotes is a privilege not yet owned by Danish or Dutch people.These countries are too boring and uncivilized to rise to the consciousness of a great country.But the cute and slightly ridiculous Finns, who are stubborn, Chukhnas do. "

• An Estonian stands on a railroad track. Another Estonia passes on the handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first asked: "Iis i ll agggg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?"/"Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He climbed into the car and joined pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silence pumping the first Estonian asked again: "Iis i ll agggg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?"/" Nnnoooowww iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."
• Special offers from Estonian mobile providers: first two hours of free calls.
• "I told some Estonians that they were slow."/"What do they answer?" "Nothing, but they beat me the next day."
• Finnish families - parents and two brothers - go to the countryside with their cars. Suddenly some animals cross the road in front of the car and flee to the forest. After an hour a brother said: "It's a fox!" After another hour, the second brother said: "No, this is a wolf!" After two hours, the father replied: "Well, why do not you fight, you're cool-headed Finns!"
• Two Finns are sitting by the road. Suddenly, a car passed quickly, a noisy, barely noticeable noise. After 30 minutes one Finn asked: "Whaaat waaaaas thaaaat?" After another 30 minutes, others replied: "Thaaaat waaaas Miiiiiiiikaaaa HÃÆ'¤aaaaakkiiiiiiineeeeeen, shaaaame of Fiiiiinniiish naaaaation"

Finland share with Chukchi their ability to withstand the cold:

• At -10 ° C, the heating was turned on in British homes, while Finland turned into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20 Â °, Austria flies to MÃÆ'llaga, while Finland celebrates mid-summer. At -200 Â °, hell freezes and Finland win the Eurovision Song Contest. (This joke preceded the event, which was previously considered impossible, from Finland actually won the contest, in 2006.) At -273 Â °, absolute zero temperatures are reached, and all atomic motion stops. The Finnish shrugged and said: "Perkele, a little cold today, is not it?".

Jew

Jewish humor is a highly developed part of Russian humor, largely based on the self-image of Russian Jews. This Jewish anecdote is not the same as anti-Semitic joke. As some Jews say themselves, Jewish jokes are being made by anti-Semites or Jews themselves. By contrast, whether told by Jews or Gentile Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony, and intelligence that are characteristic of Jewish humor both in Russia and elsewhere in the world (see Jewish humor). These jokes are usually told with a distinctive Jewish accent (stretched syllables, parodied uvular vibes "R", etc.) and some of the peculiarities of sentence structures that are thrown into Russian from Yiddish. Many of these jokes are arranged in Odessa, and to some extent the phrase "Odessa humor" is synonymous with "Jewish jokes," even if the characters do not have Jewish names and even their religion/ethnicity is never mentioned. For Russians, simply start a joke with: "So, an Odessan woman boarded the bus...", and her Judaism was implicitly understood by the listener.

• Abram can not sleep, throws and spins from side to side... Eventually his wife Sarah asks: "Abram, what's bothering you?"/"I owe Moishe 20 rubles, but I do not have any money.What should I do?"/Sarah bangs on the fragile wall and shouts to neighbors: "Moishe! My Abram still owes you 20 rubles? Well, he did not return it!"/Turning to her husband, she said reassuringly: "Now go to bed and let Moishe stay awake!"
• An Odessa Jew met another. "Have you heard, Einstein has won the Nobel Prize?" "What for?"/"He developed this Theory of Relativity." "Yes, what is that?" "Well, you know, five hairs in your head are relatively small, five pieces of hair in your soup are relatively large."/"And for that he got the Nobel Prize ?!"
• A Red Guard crushed Abram's door./He answered through the door: "Yes?"/"Abram, we're coming for everything that's valuable."/Abram thought for a few seconds, and called out: "Rosa, my dear, someone is here for you!"

During 1967, the sympathy of the Arab-Israeli War of Soviet Jews was on the side of Israel although Egypt under Nasser was officially a Soviet ally, "on the path of the Socialist development":

• Quiet time on the Egyptian-Israeli frontline. A Jew shouted: "Hi, Abdullah!" - A head pops up: "What do you want?" - and catch the bullets. Now an Egyptian scream: "Hey, Abraham!" - "Who asked Abraham?" - A head appeared: "It's me, Abdullah!" - and catch the bullets.

Chinese

Public jokes center on the large size of the Chinese population, Chinese, and Chinese perceptions as astute, diligent, and hardworking. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that Chinese are capable of extraordinary actions in primitive ways, such as the Great Leap Forward.

• The Chinese government decided to hack Pentagon servers and order all Chinese people. After hundreds of billions of attempts the server agrees that the password is "Mao Zedong"
• "During the Damansky Islands incident, the Chinese military developed three main strategies: Big Attack, Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups One to Two Million Across the Border."
• Another joke back then. China developed a strategy to capture all of the Soviet Union: 1. Declare war. 2. Order soldiers to surrender, all at once.
• "When a child is born in a rich Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon dropped onto the jade floor.The sound of a spoon will be the name of a newborn." (see Chinese name)
• Initial report on the first Chinese human spaceflight: "All operational systems, man-boiler on duty!"

Many good jokes are based on the fact that the widespread Chinese tribes (written as "hui" in pinyin) look very much like an indecent Russian word for the penis. For this reason, since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionary translates Russian transcription of the syllable as "????" ( huey ) (which is actually closer to true Chinese pronunciation). The most embarrassing case for Soviet-Soviet friendship is probably the word "socialism" (????; pinyin: shÃÆ'¨ huÃÆ'¬ zh? YÃÆ'¬ ), previously translated as? - ?? ? - ??? -? The following amusing possibility for the misunderstanding of the Chinese syllable "Hui" is derived from the text of Aarons (2012):

• A new Chinese ambassador will meet Gromyko. When the latter enters, the Chinese dedicate themselves: "Zhui Hui!" Gromyko, undisturbed, replied "Zhui sam!" The surprised Chinese asked: "And where is Gromyko?" (The blow is that zhui hui (Chinese name for a copy) means "chewing the penis" in Russian and zhui sam means "chew [itself]").
• ???? ??? ? ??? ???? ??? ???, Sun 'Huy v Chay Vyn' Pey Sam , (literally means "Dip your [penis] into tea, pull [and] drink [yourself]" is the contrived "Chinese name" analogous to the English "Who Flung Dung". Suitable English interpretations sound like "Dip Dick Tea, Back, You Drink". There are other variations of this joke about two Chinese: ???? ??? ? ??? ("Sun 'Huy v Chay") and ???? ?? ??? ("Vyn 'Su Him"), which can be translated as "Dip [your penis] into tea" and "Take it [to] dry", where a word "?????" ( Suhim , which means "dry") is divided into two syllables "??" ("su") and "???" ("he").
• Parts of name-based jokes use the reverse, implying direct Soviet participation in the Korean war. Usually Chinese "Lee" pilot Lee See Tsyn mentioned, being a familiar Russian family name ??????? (Lisitsyn, from ?????? - vixen in Russian). Some versions also include Ku Ree Tsyn pilots, See Nee Tsyn and Tu Pee Tsyn. These are each ???????, from ?????? (hen), ??????? (??????, titmouse) and ??????? (??????, stupid one).

Russian

The Russians are stereotypes in Russian jokes themselves when placed next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, a Russian man who appears in a triple joke with two Westerners, Germans, French, Americans or Britons, will give himself a punch that describes himself as a simple and careless but physically strong minded person, who often ensures that he maintaining surrender his less naive Western counterparts. Another common plot is a Russian who holds a contest with high-tech opponents (usually, an American and Japanese) and wins with brute force or clever tricks.

• A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian went on a safari and was caught by a cannibal. They were brought to the head, who said, "We will eat you now, but I am a civilized person, I study human rights at Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I will grant your last wishes." The Germans ask for a beer and bratwurst. He got it, and then the cannibals ate it. The Frenchman asked three girls. He had crazy sex with them, and then suffered the fate of the Germans. Russian demands: "Hit me hard, right in my nose!" The chairman was shocked, but hit him. Russia withdrew Kalashnikov and shot all cannibals. The wounded head asked him, "Why do not you do this before we eat German?" The Russians proudly replied: "Russians are not aggressors!" (This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke, more specifically, as an Israeli joke, referring to Israel constantly fearing being seen as an "aggressor".)
• A Chukcha sits on the edge of the Bering Strait. The surface of an American submarine. The American captain opened the hatch and asked: "Which direction is Alaska?" Chukcha pointed his finger: "Over there!"/"Thank you!" said the Americans, shouting "South-South-East, carrying 159.5 degrees!" bottom hatch and submerges submarine. Ten minutes later, a Soviet submarine emerged. The Russian captain opened the hold and asked Chukcha: "Where does the American submarine go?" Chukcha replied: "South-South-East gave birth to 159.5 degrees!" "Do not be smart," said the captain, "just point your finger!" â € <â € <
• The French, Japanese, and Russians are captured by aliens. He locks them inside the cell and demands them to amaze him using two steel balls - the winner will be released, the other will be executed. A week later, France showed a juggling trick with the ball. Japan has created a stone garden. However, Russia was declared the winner: he broke one ball, and lost one more ball.
• American pilots challenge the Russians to look for faster planes. Americans are taking the last-minute supersonic plane, the Russians managed to get only the Kukuruznik that had been disabled and tied it to American planes with ropes. After the takeoff of the American crew talk: "Sir, the Russians are right behind us!" - "What's our speed?" - "400 mph" - "Raise it to 500!" - "Sir, Russians do not miss it!" - "Ride to 600!" - "Sir, I'm afraid we'll lose!" - "Why?" - "They still have not taken off their landing gear!"



Maps Russian jokes





linguistic quirks

Like everywhere else in the world, many jokes in Russia are based on words of words. Other jokes depend on the peculiarities and abnormalities of grammar and linguistics in Russian:

• (L) Genitive plural of noun (used with numbers to indicate five or more things, as opposed to two, used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns ) is a rather unexpected form of the Russian noun, and there are some words that even native speakers have difficulty producing this form (either because of the scarcity or actual lexical gap). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). This joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers must be ordered. The correct form is obtained, but when they are being filled, there is a debate: what is the genitive plural of kocherga ? Is that Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov? ... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the bureaucrats who are usually long-winded. Finally, an old janitor heard the commotion, and told them to send two separate requests: one for two and one for three cochine . In some versions, they send a request for 4 cochine and one additional to find out the right words, just to receive back "here are 4 your cochine and one additional."

A similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko involves another answer: after very careful and many concepts to get genitive cases correct, including the replacement of "five ???? (chunks)" for "five pokers", the response come back: the warehouse does not have kocherezhek (G pl is fully organized kocherezhka , "poker kecil").

Egg

The Russian word for "testis" is small from "egg", so the word slang is a non-small form ( yaitso , cf. spanish huevo ). Various kinds of jokes take advantage of this, ranging from silly to very elegant assumptions:

• A man jumps onto a bus and falls over another man, who holds a big sack and shouts: "Watch the egg!"/"Are you stupid Who will bring the egg in the sack?"/"Look at your eggs, this sack full of nails!"
• There is a fabergà © gem egg exhibit at the Hermitage Museum. The label reads: "FabergÃÆ'  ©/ Portrait (fragment)"
• A train compartment contains a family: a little princess, mother, and grandmother. The fourth passenger is a Georgian (See joke about Georgia). The mother started feeding soft boiled eggs to the princess with a silver spoon./Grandma: "Do not you know that eggs can damage silver?" "Who knows," thought the Georgian, and he quickly moved his silver cigarette case from his front pocket pocket to the back.
• Vladimir Putin, in one of the 2002 putinism seen by the media, exploits this popular game; when asked what he thought of the portrait of the president painted on Easter eggs, he replied: "I do not know what they paint on their eggs, I have not seen." It reminds us of the following joke: A Russian invites his new American friend, a student of Russian culture, to meet his family during the Easter period: "Please see my mother!"/"Oh, your mother! Sincerely!" "That's my brother!"/"Oh, your sister! Enchanted!"/"And my brother is in the kitchen, painting eggs." "Oh, hippie, we have it too!"



src: cdni.rbth.com




Religion

Some religious jokes make fun of the clerics. They tend to be told in quasi-Church Slavonic, with its archaic and stereotypical Okanye (a clear pronunciation of the language without Russian/Russian/Muscovite) to/a/). The priest in this joke always has the typical Greek names, and speaks in basso profundo.

• (L) In the lesson of the Holy Word: "Dormidontiy's disciple, please tell me, is a soul separate from the body or not."/"Separate, Father."/"Behold thou knowest thy substance." "Yesterday morning, Father, I passed your cell and heard your voice chant: [imitate basso voice] '... And now, my soul, get up and get your clothes.' "(" Substantiatum est ... But vulgar! "(The Russian phrase translated literally as" my soul "is a term of affection, often toward romantic partners, in proportion to the English" my dear " )
• A young woman in a mini skirt jumps onto the bus. The bus started suddenly, and he fell into the lap of a seated priest. Surprised, he looked down and exclaimed, "Wow!"/"It's not 'wow!', My daughter," said the priest, "that is the key to Christ the Savior's Cathedral!"

Other jokes that touch religion involve Heaven or Hell.

Afterlife

• A Communist died, and because he was an honest man even though an atheist, he was sentenced to spin a year's spending in Hell and a year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God: "Take this man as soon as possible, because he changed all my young demons into a Young Pioneer, I have to recover some sequence." Another year passed, Satan met God again and told him: "Lord, it's my turn now." The Lord replied: "First of all, do not call me Lord God, but as Comrade of God, second, there is no God, and another - do not distract me or I will be late for Party meetings."
• A Russian and an American were sentenced to Hell. The devil calls them and says: "Friends, you have 2 choices: American or Russian Hell In America you can do what you want but you have to eat a box of shit every morning The Russian is the same, but it's 2 buckets. "The Yankees quickly took the decision and went to American Hell, while Russia finally chose the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russians ask: "So, what's it like out there?"/"Just as the devil says, Hell itself is fine, but it takes a box of shit to kill me, and you?" "Ah, it feels like home - either the shit is not delivered or there is not enough bucket for everyone!"
• American, Hindu and Russian Land in Purgatory. The gray-winged angel with a big whip hanging on his belt met them and said: "Well, here's the rule: Whoever takes three attacks from my whip without shouting, can go straight to Heaven You can protect yourself with anything that you like "We have everything here. Who are the first? "American steps forward." All right, you have three hours to prepare. "The American wore a whole Kevlar outfit, went into the tank, pushed it into a concrete bunker, bunkers covered with 15 feet of dirt and titanium plates thick The angel tore his whip JEPRET Titanium and dirt disappeared JEPRET The bunker and tank were gone The American cried in pain, open ground under his feet and he went straight down to Hell "Next!", said the angel. Hindu step forward. "You have three hours to prepare yourself." "I only need five minutes. I have been studying Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all the pain. "Hindus enter the lotus position, sing a spell for a few minutes, and rise a few inches from the ground The angel tears his lashes JEPRET! JEPRET! JEPRET! The Hindus are completely unaffected. "Hmm, impressive. All right, you're free to go. "" Thank you, but only after I saw how the latter came out of this ", said the Hindu, looking towards the Russians./" Your call. "/The angel turned to Russia: "What will you protect with yourself?"/"With Hinduism, of course."



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Russian military

Perhaps every nation big enough to have troops has many jokes of its own. In addition to playing the words, these jokes are usually internationally understandable. In the Soviet Union, military service is universal (for men), so most people can relate to them. In this joke praporschik (the warrant officer) is an archetypal intruder, who has limited intelligence.

A. Dmitriev illustrates his sociological essay "Army Humor" with a large number of military jokes, mostly from Russia.

There is a large number of sentences, which should cite praporschik :

• "Ivanov's warrior, digged me out of the next paddy field!"
• "Ivanov's warrior, digging trenches from the fence to lunch!"
• "Do not mess with me - You are a future officer, now act accordingly!"

The hilarious "from the fence for lunch" has become a famous Russian clich © for a clear endless task (or to do something forever).

Some of them are philosophical and not just applicable to the warrant officer:

• Scene One: Tree. An Apple. The monkey came and began to shake the tree. Sound from above: "Think, think !" The monkey thought, took a stick, and dropped the apple.
• Scene Two: A tree. An Apple. praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. Sound from above: "Think, think !" "There's nothing to think about, shake!"

A persistent theme in Russia's military/police/law enforcement joke is a continuing conflict between representatives of the armed forces/law enforcers, and "intellectuals," educated members of society. Therefore, this theme is an allusion to the image of the military/law enforcement officers and superiors as fools and does not believe in "educated smart people":

• A commander announces: - "The platoon has been tasked with dismantling" luminum, the lightest iron in the world. "A policeman replied," Permission to speak... This is 'aluminum', not 'luminum', and that one of the lightest metals in the world, not the lightest 'iron' in the world. "The commander retorted:" The platoon will disassemble 'luminum... and the intellectuals will dismantle the' ironum castum '! "(Russian words are lyuminiy and chuguniy ).

Until shortly before perestroika , all suited male students from higher education have compulsory ROTC courses from which they graduate as young officers in military reserves. A lot of military jokes come from there:

• "Soviet nuclear bombs are 25% more efficient than Atomic Bombs than possible enemies American bombs have 4 zone effects: A, B, C, D while we have five:?,?,?,? ?! "(the first five letters of the Russian alphabet, they are transliterated into Latin as A, B, V, G, D).
• "The nuclear bomb always touches zero."
• "If we had a tank unit M ... no, M is not enough, suppose we have a unit N tank!"
• An angry threat to an unemployed student: "I have to drag you into an open field, push you first forward to the wall, and shoot you between the eyes with a rifle, so you'll remember it for the rest of your life!"
• Cadet, write: "the temperature of boiling water is 90 °."/One of the soldiers replied, "Comrade praporshchik , you are wrong - this is 100 Â °!"/The clerk consulted his handbook, and then announced, "Right, 100 Â ° This is the right angle that boils at 90 °."
• Cadet, now write: "This device works at temperatures between -400 and 400 degrees Celsius."/"Comrade praporshchik , no temperature like -400 degrees!"/"What do you know, this is a new secret device!" (Note that Russia is using the Celsius scale.)

Sometimes, this ridiculous statement can cross, intentionally or unintentionally, into the real world of intelligence:

• "Cadet, explain why you came into class wearing our military enemy's uniform that may be!" (most likely, instructors mean jeans made in the United States) The answer is: "Because they are a possible war trophy!"

There are jokes about the power of Russian nuclear missiles and disasters around the world due to the lack of basic army discipline:

• A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board, and accidentally presses the "big red" button./An angry colonel stormed in, the junior officer locked up and proudly announced: "Nothing was reported during my watch, Comrade Colonel"/"Nothing to report, you say?! No reports? !! ​​So where is Belgium ? !!! "
• Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, came to the surface. The Soviets are old and rusty; the new American and the sleek matte black. In the Soviets, the crew sat idly, and a drunken captain shouted at them: "Who threw the valenok (a traditional winter felt winter footwear) on the control board? I ask you, who threw valenok on the control board?! "/From an American submarine, a clean, shrewd, dressed captain shouted cynically:" You know, people, in America... "/The Russian captain intermittently interrupted him: "America ??! There's no fucking American anymore !!" [He returned to his crew] "Who threw the valenok on the control board ?!"

There is also mutual mutual humiliation between soldiers and civilians:

• Civil: "You stupid warrior We are smart civilians!"/Serviceman: "If you are very smart, then why do not you line up in one file?"



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Black humor

Chernobyl

• An elderly woman stood in the market with the sign "Chernobyl mushrooms for sale". A man came up to him and demanded: "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" "Why, lots of people, some for their boss, the other for their mother-in-law..."
• A grandson asked his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?" "Yes, there", replied Grandpa and patted his grandson's head./"Grandpa, is it really that there is absolutely no consequence?"/"Yes, of course," Grandpa replied, and patted the head of the second second . (Often added: "And they go together, wag their tails").
• A Soviet newspaper reported: "Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant fulfilled the Five Year Plans of thermal energy generation... within 4 microseconds." (Excerpts on the general Soviet report on the quick execution of a five-year plan.)
• "Really, you can eat meat from Chernobyl?" "Yes, you may, but your shit should be buried in a concrete 30 feet underground."
• "It's very difficult to collect mushrooms in Chernobyl, they fight in every direction as you approach."

Medical

Source of the article : Wikipedia